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Monthly Archives: June 2024

We All Need to Look at 2020 Again

29 Saturday Jun 2024

Posted by Bill Rider in Uncategorized

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“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.”– Abraham Lincoln

If I’d still been writing the blog in 2020, it would have been a banner year. I’d likely written 30-40 posts about the events that year. At my normal rate of writing, this would have been 60-80,000 words. How am I going to condense that into a single (approximately 2000 word) post? Hindsight and perspective will allow for a lot of compression. If I’m right about the perspective, this won’t be the last time I touch on what 2020 can teach us. More importantly, we didn’t learn much from the year.

SAO PAULO, 12.mai.2020 – Equipe de médico, enfermeiros e fisioterapeutas cuidam de pacientes críticos da Covid-19 na UTI do hospital Vila Nova Cachoeirinha, na zona norte de São Paulo

It is not much of a leap to say 2020 was the worst year of our lives, although 2024 still has time! The centerpiece for this disaster was the Covid-19 pandemic’s effects. We had a horrible election too. A brutal murder and reaction generated more racism in response. All of this was amplified by incompetent leadership. The USA performed horribly during the pandemic by any objective measure. The reasons for this are both specific and structural. The broad response to the pandemic has also had lasting influences on our lives today. Whether we like it or not, today’s world was shaped in 2020.

We sit here in 2024 with a monumental decision in front of the American public. We have the worst choice of Presidents in history. Either decision is bad. On the one hand, you have a declining feeble elderly man whose best days are well behind him. He’s not terribly likable or charismatic. He is decent, but absolutely uninspiring. On the other hand, we have a complete and total asshole. We have a crisis of leadership and either man will deepen it.

As I will discuss, Trump has demonstrated incompetence and horrible judgment. He constantly lies and seems to have no comprehension of truth. He botched the response to a crisis and actively made things worse. He is racist, sexist, misogynist, incurious, and ignorant. He is a convicted felon and legally judged to have committed rape. He is impulsively and habitually criminally minded. It is an awful choice and we are likely to make the worst of it. What it really confirms is that we didn’t learn a fucking thing from the mistakes of 2020. That is unforgivable.

The central drama of the year was the Covid-19 pandemic. Starting off in China, it spread across the globe and the United States. It wreaked havoc everywhere in the world, bringing death, fear, and chaos. Initially, the worst of the pandemic attacked Western Europe, with Italy getting the worst of it. Soon the massive death toll came to the USA, centering on New York City. As the virus was new, uncertainty reigned. Public health and medical officials knew little, and mistakes from caution abounded. The vulnerable died at a dizzying rate without any immunity to the illness. The medical systems strained and broke under the weight of the severely ill.

A couple of themes can already be seen at the outset of the pandemic. The controversy of the origin of the crisis shows a lack of trust and faith in institutions. We saw the chaos our federal decentralized system of government produced. Rather than local and better adaptation, the response was almost uniformly worse. Everything was made political. Liberal leaders tended to overreact and chose safety and caution. Conservative leaders chose business and minimized human life. Both sides were wrong and went too far. Liberals ended up hurting the future of children and their education. Conservatives took actions that led to more death, especially the poor, minorities, and the vulnerable.

Under this stress, we got to see the mettle of our leaders. In the USA, our leaders did horrendously. The most awful was our President. He seemed to first wish the pandemic away and then provided divisive and unvetted advice. He undermined those trying to provide expertise and guidance. As a result of inaction, Trump made the pandemic worse. The actions he took made it worse. The vaccine was the only saving grace. More true to form, Trump sowed dissent and chaos politically. This included attacking the vaccine when it became available. A crisis that should have brought people together divided them. Instead of making the country stronger, he made the country weaker and less united.

“In a time of domestic crisis, men of goodwill and generosity should be able to unite regardless of party or politics.”– John F. Kennedy

Personally, the year was a mixed bag. As the pandemic broke in the USA and the country closed down, I was with my family with my mother in hospice. It was from entirely different issues than Covid that she died. The backdrop to her passing was the world closing down. When I looked up from this, I found the nation closed down. Suddenly my wife and I were working from home. We adapted, as did everyone.

Working from home was rocky at first, but improved with better software and better habits. The whole arrangement had distinct advantages, removing the commute. Meals could be prepared during the day and dinner was served early. Exercise was a challenge, but equipment was purchased and walking became central too. I went 4-7 miles a day. In spite of the health challenges and the viral threat, I felt like the whole experience improved my physical health. This wasn’t my only benefit.

All in all, we did well personally. We both appreciated working from home and put ourselves to work on major home projects. We formed our own pod of friends to retain a social life. We and our friends made conscious choices based on our risk profiles. It was greatly enabled by working from home. We balanced our safety with our sanity. I fully recognize that all this good is firmly grounded in a lot of privilege and luck. For many people, the situation was terrible. One of these was my son. He was at the end of his Bachelor’s degree and working from home didn’t work for him. It was a microcosm of the damage done to millions of young people’s lives.

I also need to acknowledge that many people could not work from home. With schools out and day cares closed this was an exceptionally difficult time. Our children are grown and we didn’t have to try to work while managing day care and school. Anyone with children had a difficult time.

We also saw an online community spring up for Zoom-based cocktail parties. These mixers were amazing, well run, and satisfying. Not as good as doing this in person, but set the standard for online meetings. Frankly, my work meetings have never equaled the quality and intent of these Zoom meetings. Granted, the online meeting software and basic approach have improved leaps and bounds. It shows what motivated people and good leadership can do for meetings, even remote. Of course, all this was true with in-person meetings too. Work meetings have had problems forever.

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”― J.R.R. Tolkien

In the midst of the pandemic, as the first stage of it drew to a close, something else terrible happened. A black man (George Floyd) was brutally and callously murdered by a police officer. This happened while other officers looked on without stopping it. Essentially, the murder was filmed, and the film went viral. It went out into a nation that was relentlessly online. People were properly outraged. People went to the streets to protest in massive numbers. This became the Black Lives Matter movement. It spawned some of the largest public protests in recent history.

It was born out of the over-militarized American police and a virtual acceptance of police abuse and violence by many. Police and their thin blue line attitude allow abuse to persist. Rather than demand legal and proper behavior in their ranks, police protect lawbreaking in their ranks. The left also overreacted with some well-intentioned and genuinely stupid ideas. Key was the defund the police stance. It was still incredibly counter-productive and just the start. It appeared to be a genuine racial reckoning. The overreach on the left was the undoing of something needed.

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”― Martin Luther King Jr.

It also produced a huge backlash from the right. With the defund movement as cover, the right attacked the reaction to police abuse and murder. Much of this was supported and encouraged by the President. He is horribly racist after all. It also drove more insidious efforts like the label of “critical race theory” for racially sensitive education. CRT is absolute bullshit as actual CRT is a graduate-level legal theory (learned about Chris Rufo a brilliant, but horrible person). Nonetheless, it energized the right to remove any material that encouraged racial sensitivity. The right also engaged in violence at the protests. Most prominently, the coward Kyle Rittenhouse killed two people at a protest. In the end, it is arguable that the right won the day. Rather than a reckoning, we ended with a setback.

This gets to why we need to look back at 2020. There were numerous lessons we should have learned. We have not. We fucked up our response to things over and over. We made non-political things controversial. We attacked and undermined institutions and expertise. The result was objectively bad performance and lots of unnecessary dead people. We harmed the future of our children unnecessarily. We had painfully incompetent leadership. Rather than punish this incompetence and division, we may reward it. We are inviting disaster. An important question is why aren’t we learning? Why are we about to make some of the same mistakes again?

A big aspect of the pandemic year was how it affected one’s personal life in virtually every respect. One’s social life is an obvious thing, which takes a major hit removing the usual locales for getting together with people. We managed this by forming a small risk-informed pod of friends we continued to see. Our choices had a big impact on preserving our sanity. All things considered, we remained happy throughout the year.

Health is another obvious impact. For me, Covid-19 got in the way of health care. Covid-19 itself did not pose a problem personally. On the other hand, it got in the way of treating several problems. I have glaucoma and during the first half of 2020 I had a permanent minor loss of vision. I was also suffering from AFib during 2020. The pandemic modestly slowed my treatment. I ultimately had two ablation surgeries that appear to have fixed the problem (in 2022). Still, these medical issues were impacted by the overburdened medical system. Compared to many, I got off easy, but not unscathed.

A big part of improving my happiness and sanity was working from home. For both my wife and me, this was a welcome change. Firstly, I had a manager who I could not stand. He couldn’t stand me either. I welcomed not having to see him regularly. In addition, it was a welcome relief from having to put on “a mask” and walk on eggshells around coworkers. I don’t mean a physical mask, but the masking of my authentic self in order to be acceptable. It led to the realization of how little I wanted to spend time with most of these people. Now I could choose who I graced with my physical presence explicitly. I’ve come to realize that authenticity in the workplace is a joke. At least if you are me. The real me is not fit for the modern workplace. I’m too outspoken, profane, and sharp-tongued. I suppose people who are quiet, reserved, and dull as dirt can be authentic. The pandemic gave me time to realize all this from living differently.

While all this positivity surrounded my personal situation, the same can’t be said for the USA. The USA has a rather extreme problem with leadership. This is not all about Trump either. Trump is a real indicator of the problem. We don’t demand competence from our leaders. It is all image and bullshit. The result is our institutions failing at every level. We are incredibly low on trust. No one trusts anyone else.

“Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”― Stephen R. Covey

Public health and medicine took the brunt of this, and this lack of trust made the pandemic worse. It cost many lives. Worse yet, the pandemic made it all even worse. Conspiracy theories abounded. The vaccines that should have been a triumph drove division. A national crisis that should have brought people together did the opposite. By the end of the year, we were more divided and cynical.

I cannot pass through 2020 without talking about the election. In many ways, it was the shitty icing on the shit sandwich of a year. On the one hand, it was a repudiation of the incompetence of the Trump administration. Yet about half the populace accepted the lie that the election was a fraud. There was no peaceful transition of power for the first time in nearly 250 years. The beaten and bruised reputation of the USA took another hit. The former beacon of democracy is a basket case. We left the year with dramatically less trust than we started; we started the year with very little trust.

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”― Plato

Here we stand four years on with decisions in front of us. The hard lessons of 2020 have been forgotten. We never learned from them. We could very well reward the worst President in the history of the nation with that office again. It would be a self-inflicted wound of unparalleled magnitude. We would be taking a risk on a leader that we know is incompetent. We would be choosing a habitual liar to lead a nation without trust. We would be choosing a leader who will destroy our institutions rather than repair and fix them. We will be courting disaster when we need healing. It may be national suicide.

It is all because we want to forget what happened in 2020.

Next week, we need to talk about people who are assholes and why they are awful.

Inside Out 2: Anxiety Reigns; Chaos Without Balance

21 Friday Jun 2024

Posted by Bill Rider in Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

animation, disney, inside-out, pixar

tl;dr: Inside Out 2 explores emotions in adolescence, with Anxiety causing trouble. The movie argues against using toxic positivity, showing the importance of embracing all emotions for a balanced life. It is a highly recommended movie like the first one. I also reflect on own experiences during the blogging hiatus. I promise to write about broader themes in the future, with a greater focus on my life outside of work.

It is when we lose control that we repress the emotions, not when we are in control.

– Don Miguel Ruiz

I’m Back!

This marks my return to blogging after six years. The appearance of the Pixar movie Inside Out 2 is the perfect reason. I wrote about its predecessor with glee. It’s difficult not to want to speak to the excellent sequel; so I will. At the end of this post, I will address the “elephant in the room” about this return. I will map out what the future will and will not include. This is the first post in over six years, and that alone makes it consequential.

Movie Night with a Sequel

I settled into the theater to see the movie full of anticipation and excitement. The occasion was the opening night for Inside Out 2 (my second most-looked-forward-to movie of the summer, Deadpool is in July!). I attended with three people dear to me, anticipating their own reactions. I knew my wife reacted powerfully to the first movie, as did I. I wondered how our movie-loving girlfriend would react too. My son completed the group. Our anticipation was driven by the deeply moving Inside Out (https://williamjrider.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/inside-out-lessons-from-a-kids-movie/). I was not disappointed one iota by the sequel; it is great and as good as the first movie.

The first movie touched on the life of Riley, a preteen moving from Minnesota to San Francisco. The move invoked profound sadness in her that caused her to make very bad decisions. The other main characters in the movie were the elements of Riley’s emotions: Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness. Riley was full of joy, and Joy was in charge of her emotions. The role of Sadness was pushed to the back, diminished and ignored. The result was an imbalance that nearly led to disaster. The theme of the movie was the need to allow all emotions to play a role in your life. It touched on the broadly seen use of toxic positivity as a false route to happiness.

Emotional Balance Is Key Again

I’ll stop to note that the idea of emotions as characters is a gentle introduction to “parts work.” This is a psychological/therapy technique that looks at the different aspects of emotion, behavior, and reactions. The results of parts work are to integrate and balance the internal workings of a patient. This narrative mirrors the dramatic arc of Inside Out. The movie itself is a balance of a kid’s movie with deep themes that will provoke thought in adults. We found the movie to be moving and thought-provoking. It added a dialogue to our lives that we needed and benefitted from.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

– Brené Brown

Toxic positivity shows up again in the sequel. Joy didn’t learn the lesson of how to embrace all emotions and experiences in shaping the future. Sadness is there and embraced, but Joy still squashes bad things from experience. This comes from one of the vehicles in the movie where Riley’s sense of self is being formed. This sense of self is one’s self-image. The second big element is the start of puberty and a host of new emotions, most notably anxiety. This forms the central tension in how the movie unfolds as a drama. With all this in place, we need a catalyst for things to develop.

Like any good drama, there needs to be something at stake for the main character. Here, Riley has the twin stressors of puberty and an elite hockey camp to push her buttons. She is 13 and ending middle school. She is going to a high school with an elite women’s hockey program. She and her best friends are invited to the camp by the coach. This coach is a local legend, and this serves as a huge opportunity to begin high school. She also learns some disturbing news about her friends that raises the stakes even higher.

Meanwhile, puberty is wreaking havoc with Riley’s emotions. The physical changes (like body odor) are coupled with new emotions that complicate everything. The balance created during the first movie is suddenly thrown off. These new emotions also give someone the “operating system” needed for adult life. With them come new perils that the maturing mind allows. The focus of this peril is anxiety with its planning and danger identification. Anxiety includes the ability to plan and work to mitigate dangers. It is a foundation of adult thinking. I can also lose control. Planning is great, but it can also take one out of the moment. Anxiety can falsely identify dangers or see ones that are not present.

Other emotions are part of the mature mind. Things like Envy (Jealousy) provide us comparison and objectives. Embarassment is there to provide limits and feedback on bold behavior. Finally, we have Ennui, which is best described as “don’t give a fuck”. All of these emotions have a dominantly negative valence. They also have a positive constructive role if balanced by other motivations and emotions. Anxiety brings planning and attention needed for complex challenges. Embarassment monitors adherence to norms and behavior. Envy looks critically at the success of others and their positive qualities. Ennui keeps one from taking too much seriously.

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.”

— Kahlil Gibran

While I won’t give too much away about the plot of the movie; events lead to a crisis. In the crisis the anxiety gets out of control and precipitates a panic attack. It is shown vividly and effectively on film. It is so powerful that my wife broke down crying. I’ve experienced panic attacks several times. It was 25 years ago and I still remember the terror of it. It still stands as one of the most seminal moments of my adult life. It pushed me to make serious changes in how I lived and what my priorities were.

A panic attack is a major crisis and it can produce big impacts. A similar result follows in the movie. This gets to the common theme across the two movies, balance. The lack of balance leads to disaster in both movies. In the new one the anxiety takes over and it spirals into disaster and a panic attack. The first movie it comes from the adherence to joy and positivity. This adherence results in the wrong response to events. There embracing real sadness as a valid response cures the problem.

“Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”

— Arthur Somers Roche

In the sequel this is a more complicated team effort. As adult life is more complex, the way to combat Anxiety’s dangerous hold is a phalanx of emotions. The key is some balance and acceptance of all the nuance of experience. Joy can be embraced and lead, but other emotions play essential roles. The reality is that experiences are rarely simple and fall into a clear narrative. We need our full range of emotions to navigate the real world. In the approach to resolution of the conflict we see another theme, which could be labeled as toxic positivity. Joy had fallen into old habits and was trying to craft Riley’s identity in only positive terms. Bad experiences were thrown to the back of the mind to be forgotten. Her sense of self was to be driven solely by positive expereinces.

In the movie Anxiety overthrows this project for another project based on anxious reactions. As this sense of self comes to life, the result is catastrophic. An identity based on doubt and catastrophizing is even worse. One could imagine identities based on any single emotion to be awful (anger, sadness, envy,…). The cure to this brings in a more complex sense of self that serves a future teenage then adult life. The key is to embrace all the joy, sadness, fear, anxiety, disgust, envy and other emotions in being yourself. A full and broad reaction to reality is robust and adaptive.

The Big Takeaway

The underlying message is the rejection of forced positivity. In this lesson we see the dangers of only seeing the positive in things and rejecting nuance. Life is too complex for a “positive vibes only” approach. Events and challenges are rarely if ever completely positive or negative. We need more nuance to succeed. As such they should be processed with a mixture of emotions for proper context and response. More importantly balance allows the full lessons to be learned from experience. It maximizes potential personal growth. In today’s world this is a lesson worth emphasizing when too many just urge us to “look on the bright side”. This is a shallow and dangerous approach leading to more misery. Instead we should see the World in an unbiased manner and react to things without prejudice.

What the Return of the Blog Means

It would be false to say that this post isn’t creating some anxiety for me. I have thought about doing this for a long time. I have carefully considered what I am doing. In this case the anxiety has alerted me to the danger and helped me navigate through it. I am tempering it with a dose of healthy fear, and allowing myself to embrace the joy in writing. I hope this step is grasping a healthy and balanced approach to this project. It has kept me away from danger while taking the opportunity to feel the pride I should for this personal project. I am seeing the lessons of Inside Out (2) in how I am doing this.

As promised I will close with touching on my return to blogging. I do so with joy, fear, excitement and anxiety. I have missed writing here greatly. It was something that brought me great joy. I did not stop doing this freely; I was forced to. Some day I will write about the specifics of those circumstances, but. I cannot do this now. It must wait until I am done working professionally and retired, but I will. I can say that was the single most painful experience of my adult life.

That said, I won’t be writing about work-related topics. This gives me the freedom to explore other themes that matter to me. So, my posts will focus less on technical topics than before, although they won’t be entirely absent. This is simply a consequence of the ground rules I must operate under. Frankly, it’s a loss for everyone as I still believe my work benefited from writing. Writing is thinking, and thinking and problem-solving are what I do at work. This truth wasn’t enough to allow the former project to continue. As a result, this is a new project with a different shape.

My experiences, life events, and influences over these past six years have reshaped me. As I’ve been reshaped, the writing will follow suit. The events of the past six years are too numerous to count and too painful to ignore. However, my own experiences have largely been positive over these years. This has been true whether weathering the pandemic or exploring innovative relationship dynamics. I’ve traded my source for information in TV news for podcasts. The onslaught of the Trump administration and the constant drama of COVID drove this. My wife has retired too, and I’m considering it for myself in the wake of this. Her experience has tempered my desire to do it too soon. Additionally, many of my contemporaries are retiring. Work is also increasingly devoid of joy and meaning. Age and health are becoming more prominent in my awareness. Time is finite and precious. Thus, the message of balance in these movies truly resonates with me at this moment.

The last six years have been consequential for me. I’m a different person now. My interests and views have been altered by the events I’ve experienced. I’m older now and see the world differently. Age has brought a handful of health concerns and crises. We all went through the COVID pandemic, which changed society in ways that are still unfolding. The future is uncertain and potentially dangerous, with disasters looming on the horizon. It’s necessary to think carefully about how to navigate this uncertain future. I will touch on work-adjacent topics, but only where they significantly impact life outside of work. I will take this as a freedom rather than a restriction.

I’m probably a little rusty, but it’s good to be back. Next week I will revisit 2020 probably the most consequential year of our lives.

“Some days I’m not okay and I’m not trying to fix that. No, I don’t need advice on how not to feel this way. I just need time to feel it.”

– Allyson Dinneen

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