As I started to write and research this piece one thing is clear; I am not alone in seeing this. There seems to be a wide recognition that assholes are having a moment. We have the obvious example of the asshole-in-chief, Donald Trump. For him being an asshole is a badge of distinction and earns him a cult like following. The fact that our seemingly likely next President is a complete asshole is troubling. It probably should be a red flag for the Nation. We are in deep danger. Perhaps we should understand why?

A couple instances come to mind that crystalized this issue in my mind. The first happened in an odd location. I was on vacation in Cancun at an all inclusive resort. We were eating lunch and a guy came in with a t-shirt saying “Assholes Live Forever”. He was definitely projecting right wing coded energy. The thing that made the t-shirt notable was a general intent at the resort to be attractive to the opposite sex. This asshole thought being an asshole was attractive to women. Now in my experience women try to avoid assholes like the plague. Assholes are terrrible lovers, terrible about consent and terrible to people. They are dangerous. Apparently being an asshole is attractive to right wing ladies? What the fuck?

“I will canoodle with a dumb man, but I won’t snuggle with an asshole.” ― Rachel Howzell Hall

More recently I was chatting with a good friend at a conference. My friend had just led a fantastic session-discussion of the nature of masculinity in today’s world. The session touched on a wide range of issues including a full spectrum of intersectionality. A common thread is that I had met this friend on a previous trip to Cancun.. We are seemingly quite different, but immediately vibed and connected personally. He’s black, gay, Brooklynite, and works in music while I’m a white straight scientist from the Western USA. The topic of assholes came up within intersectionality. My point was that we need to recognize assholes. Assholes are present in all identities black, white, male, female, non-binary or trans. Gay, lesbian or bisexual people can be assholes too. Assholes need to be called out and identified as being toxic to whatever spaces they occupy.

A great deal of discussion around masculinity focused on the standard view. This is the “alpha” male who defines masculinity through power, aggression, and lack of emotion. No compassion or empathy is allowed. That would show weakness. Never apologize for being wrong because that is weakness. This is a great recipe for being an asshole. The discussion at the conference talked about vulnerability, openness, empathy and compassion. All of these ideas are strongly coded with political valence. In other words, assholes are accepted and promoted on the right. Assholes exist on the left, but are generally reviled (they exist specifically associated with social causes).

Assholes seem to be a defining feature of the right wing. As noted the leading figure on the right, Trump is just a pure asshole. He is a piece of shit of a man and proud of it. His supporters adore him for it. Every bit of that alpha male attitude is projected (although he’s not very alpha). No empathy or compassion, and definitely never apologize because you’re never wrong. I’ve seen how right wing ladies are looking for an asshole to date or fuck. They see being an asshole as being tantamount to being a man’s man. They like men who are bigots and hateful because that is strength. Men who bring out that kind of middle school locker room energy toward anything feminine or non traditional. Any space for LBGTQ is simply unacceptable. The right wing governance is full of assholes and they are rewarded for it.

“The problem with the world today is that there are too many assholes and not enough saints.” ― R.M. Engelhardt

Why do they like assholes? I think this is an essential issue to answer. Part of this is the general issue of masculinity today. The cultural reckoning around men (#MeToo) has resulted in a reaction on the right. There is little doubt that men are having trouble today and especially young men. The answer on the right is traditional roles. Traditional masculinity does not work any more. The right’s reaction is to double down on the status quo. Much like the BLM movement produced a reaction on the right.

What we get is performative masculinity that most commonly creates the asshole vibe. Trump is a perfect example. He is hardly masculine or manly. His toupee and makeup alone challenge this view. He isn’t really athletic. He lies about his physique, height and weight. He likely lies about his health and intellect. Golf is barely a sport, being more of an activity for businessmen and white guys. Even there he is an asshole with compulsive lying and cheating at golf. Yet his supporters love him because he is such a massive asshole. One might think all this lying and cheating would undermine the performative masculinity. Instead the desire for “owning the libs” gets them to look the other way. It is quite pathetic, but effective.

I believe a big part of the appeal of the asshole is authenticity. Trump is an authentic asshole. Being an asshole is Trump’s true and natural self. This is appealing to many people and a sign of huge problems. He is not authentic as a leader. The leader part of Trump is pure performance. The problem is that almost all the other leadership is performative too. So without leadership we are left with assholery as the alternative. This does not work for a good future for anyone. The lack of genuine authentic leadership is a future topic. A punchline of that condition is assholery as the alternative.

What makes someone an asshole? I got a pretty good answer from Google’s LLM Gemini (describes Donald Trump accurately!).

Asshole behavior can come in many flavors, but some common traits include:

• Disrespectful: This is a big one. Assholes put themselves above others and don’t consider other people’s feelings or needs. They might interrupt constantly, talk down to people, or make rude jokes at someone’s expense.
• Selfish: Assholes are all about themselves. They take more than their fair share, don’t reciprocate favors, and only care about what benefits them.
• Unaccountable: They never take responsibility for their mistakes and are always quick to blame others.
• Aggressive: They might be verbally or even physically aggressive, but they also might use aggression in a more subtle way, like constantly putting others down.
• Unreliable: You can’t count on them to follow through on commitments or be there for you when you need them.

Here are some other behaviors that can be signs of an asshole:

• Cheating
• Lying constantly
• Being condescending or arrogant
• Not listening to others
• Taking advantage of people
• Publicly criticizing or humiliating others

It’s important to remember that context matters. Sometimes people might act in a way that seems like an asshole behavior,but there could be a good explanation. But if these behaviors are a pattern, then it’s a good sign you’re dealing with an asshole. Virtually all of us have been assholes at some time or another. A question is whether you can stop being an asshole or regret it. At the core is a general lack of empathy or compassion for others. Often this comes at using one’s power to abuse or take advantage of others without a feeling of conscience.

As I noted above the left has assholes. Most of them exist in the general area of “cancel culture”. The whole aspect of cancelling people is an absolute gift for the right. Time and time again the right weaponizes the left’s overreach to terrifying effect. The social movements driving the attacks are ultimately undone. This is a common thread today where many social movements are being attacked. Women, blacks and LBGTQ are all under attack. Rights and equality is being lost, not gained.

“Ninety percent of all problems are caused by people being assholes.” “What causes the other ten percent?” asked Kizzy. “Natural disasters,” said Nib.”

― Becky Chambers

A good example of assholery is found in the space of pronouns. The right is full of performative assholery around pronoun use. Not using someone’s chosen name after it is requested is awful. Its like someone says “please call me Bill” and the asshole will keep saying “Billy”. It is the definition of being an asshole. On the other hand, it can be difficult if the pronoun isn’t typical or obvious. Yet people on the left can be unforgiving about these difficulties. The question is whether someone is trying to honor the request. If someone is trying to honor it, but having difficulty, give them grace. Lashing out makes you the asshole if the desire to comply is earnest.

Am I the Asshole? This is an increasingly popular place on Reddit. The positive aspect is that the thread actually asks the question with the implied message that being an asshole is bad. Simply asking the question already makes you likely not an asshole. Real assholes just do their thing without caring. A real asshole is proud of how they act. They treat people with disregard and do awful things without the slightest bit of regard for others. Assholes are careless in the truest sense of the word; they do not care about their acts. They simply act as they want and usually thinking only of themselves. An asshole looks decisive and powerful. In reality they are simply thoughtless and self-centered.

A piece of the dynamic is the internet and its defining attention culture. Attention is sought by any means available. Authenticity is seemingly going extinct today. Everything is image. Meta is ground zero for this. Instagram and Facebook drive the society to influencer’s being the apex of endeavor. The influencer is all about projecting quality through appearance rather than through substance. Substance is about fundamentals. Fundamentals often are invisible and subtle.

“Why do shitty people always brag about being good at trolling? Troll is just another word for asshole. What kind of antisocial sociopath is proud of being an asshole?”

― Oliver Markus Malloy

Authenticity is about fundamentals. It is reality. Nothing about today’s world favors these things. Thus fundamentals are lost. They are not a priority. They are not sexy or photogenic. We don’t really know this, but we hunger for authenticity. Online we get trolls who are assholes by definition. Elon Musk now occupies a role mostly as an online troll and ally of assholes. The end result is a hollowing out of all things. Assholes get attention and clicks without adding any substance. Assholes seem like reality and substance. It is the path to destruction.

Next week, I need to address to complete lack of leadership in the United States at any level.