Recently, I took a trip with my elderly father. What stood out to me was the kindness, generosity and decency of everyone we encountered. This contrasts with the general discourse highlighted every day online, or in politics. This seems to say that in person we are better. Somehow we need to get our true selves engaged more and our online avatars less. If we don’t things are going to go to shit.
“I’m inspired by the people I meet in my travels–hearing their stories, seeing the hardships they overcome, their fundamental optimism and decency.” ― Barack Obama
Common Decency
Recently, I took a trip with my dad. We flew from Albuquerque to Minneapolis via a connection in Denver. The purpose was a visit to the Mayo Clinic for treatment. My brother and his wife both work at Mayo and have access to care there for my dad. It was an extremely difficult trip because of my dad’s condition. He is 87, and has multiple medical issues including near blindness. He is quite weak and needs a wheelchair in the airport. Just for reference, I am 61 and while I am fit, strong, and vibrant; I’m not a young man. This was one of the hardest flights I’ve ever taken. By the time I handed my dad off to my brother, I was exhausted emotionally and tired physically.
When I reflected upon the day traveling, one thing stood out to me. Everyone we encountered was great. People were helpful. People were generous. People were kind. At every juncture, the airport employees, the airline employees, and our fellow passengers treated us wonderfully. People observed the situation and gave my dad deference and care. People helped us and stepped aside. Flight attendants were so helpful, ingenious, and kind. I saw lots of extra effort to help us and make the best of a very difficult situation. What I saw was Americans being the best versions of themselves and it was phenomenal. It was a tonic after the recent months of horror.
With everything else going on in the USA, it also made me say “What the fuck?”
Uncommon Indecency
“A saint is a person who behaves decently in a shockingly indecent society.” ― Kurt Vonnegut
The entire experience of this flight is in direct conflict with what we see elsewhere in American society. All the evidence would point to Americans being mean, cruel, and thoughtless. We see anger and ignorance everywhere. We just elected a petty, cruel, and selfish man as President. The incoming President displays these characteristics all the time. Somehow Americans overlooked his obvious shortcomings, and appalling character when voting. We are about to be led by someone who is the worst of us.
In person, I saw Americans who were the complete opposite. I saw people who exemplified the care and love of their common man. I saw something that gave me pride and hope. Yet in the engagement and discourse we see every day in the news and online, Americans are horrendous to others. We can all ask why? and examine the causes for this dissonance. One would think we want to be our best selves rather than our worst.
So WTF?
I think the key difference is the prevalence of our online self and remote discourse. The online world seems to encourage a level of vitriol and negativity commonly called trolling. Social media platforms like X (Twitter) and FaceBook thrive on this sort of awful dialog. We all say and talk to people in ways that we’d never do in person. Somehow society has transformed into a reflection of this dynamic more broadly. Our politics has become like social media and unremittingly ugly. We have decided to elect the trolls to run the country. Instead of the common decency I saw in person, we see ugliness and hate. A government is the reflection of its people. Rather than good and decency like we are in person, we have chosen evil and indecency.
In every respect our lives would be better off if Americans treated each other better. Having seen what is possible on this trip this much is obvious. People can be good to each other. They can act with kindness, love, and respect to their fellow man. This stands in stark and genuine contrast to the dynamic seen every day in the news and online. People have it in them to be better. I fear that we need to be led to do good. Right now, we are being led to be the opposite. I hope we do not lose sight of what is possible.
“For the powerful, crimes are those that others commit.” ― Noam Chomsky,
I recently discovered that one of my best friends had died. Jim was one of the most important people in my life. But I only discovered his death 21 months after it happened. There are reasons for this. To put this in context, I’ll talk about the death of three people who have touched my life for good and ill. There are lessons to learn from each of them. Among these lessons are what people mean and how I should leave life myself when my time comes.
This essay will be about death and life. It will be a little raw. If that’s not what you’re prepared for don’t read on, or come back later when you are.
“A purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” ― Kurt Vonnegut
How to Say Goodbye
A few weeks ago, my week started off wondering about a friend, wondering if that friend was still alive. She wasn’t. It was the week after Thanksgiving, and work was spinning up anew after the holiday. The day before Thanksgiving, my friend, Sandy, sent me a brief text: “Thank you for being a good friend and lover.” Sandy had been sick for over a year, afflicted with cancer. Later in the morning, my worry was confirmed. Sandy had passed away that morning. Her kids posted the news on her Facebook profile. The message the previous Wednesday was goodbye, and a heartfelt thanks.
I hadn’t seen her since the previous February when she told me of being worried about the cancer. Her brother had died from cancer, and it seemed to run in the family. We kept in touch through texting, and I knew generally how she was doing. Her treatments worked for a bit until they didn’t. I knew she had a PET scan. I also know how that can work. I remember the moment of seeing my father-in-law’s PET scan and knowing then that the end was near. It is a test that can be a release or a death sentence. I suspect this was what happened to Sandy. She was a lovely lady who loved heavy metal. We shared an enjoyment of Alice in Chains quite often when we got together. She was a casual friend, what someone would call a “FWB”. Still, she said goodbye and left me a thank you for the time we had.
We had closure.
“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ― Mark Twain
A photo of Jim from 2013 at a Mathematical Workshop he helped organize.
How Not to Say Goodbye
Sandy’s death filled me with a modest melancholy, but it was also expected. I had time to prepare and understand the context of our friendship. The very next day, I awoke to find a Facebook message that hit me hard. The previous evening, I posted the last of my series on my career, the Requiem series, with its focus this time on my time at Sandia. My friend Peter, who is a Mechanical Engineering Professor, asked about Jim. The three of us worked together in Los Alamos during Peter’s postdoc there.
About once every two or three months for the past eight years someone asks me about Jim: how can I get in touch with him? The presumption is that I will know how to contact him. I don’t, as I will explain shortly. When I woke the next morning another friend, Raphael, who is a Professor in France, notified me about Jim’s status.
My friend Jim was dead.
He had died the previous March (March 1, 2023, which I discovered via internet searches) and had managed to donate his math books to the University. He had time and knew he was going to die. He lived in a very small village in France with his wife. It was beautifully decorated in the fashion of New Mexico houses, too. That was it. I knew nothing else. Jim was gone. Worse yet, there was no closure, and there would be none.
For most of us who knew him, Jim disappeared in August 2016. I remember well our final conversation over lunch at Hot Rocks in Los Alamos a few months prior. I remember a somewhat contentious and heated discussion of the state of the Country and Lab. My own life was unsettled at that time. Jim was upset at the United States and the possibility of Trump being elected. Los Alamos had lost its luster and was disappointing him. Maybe he was disappointed with me, too. I’d been getting tattooed and had an open marriage. Maybe I wasn’t the person he thought I was. Who knows? It was a final conversation unfit for two people who had experienced so much life together. It was not a worthy goodbye to someone so important to me.
When I say Jim “disappeared”, I mean it. Aside from Raphael, no one had heard from him. Every friend I contacted since informing them that Jim had died knew nothing about his fate. I spent much of the next week contacting people who worked with Jim via e-mail and Facebook. In every case I got a note of sadness and surprise, but never anyone who said, “Yes, I had heard.” As this sank in, I felt a little bit of relief in the feeling that Jim left everyone behind. I wasn’t singled out either for good or ill. He ghosted everyone. A few friends talked about other people who disappeared suddenly, too. In every case, the disappearance of a friend is a source of pain.
“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.” ― Elie Wiesel
Closure and Perspective
One of the things that lingers with me with Jim’s death is the lack of closure. Closure as a process is a precarious and challenging concept. My wife has struggled with it as a relationship she had ended without any closure. Later over time, she got some closure, but it was deeply unsatisfying, too. It did not meet expectations at all. With Jim, nothing ever came, and he approached death without any attempt to close the door with me, or anyone else. So, it is left to the living to find a way to close this chapter of our continuing lives.
Someone else I knew died without giving me any closure. Unlike Jim, this person had a horrible influence on my life. Sam was one of the most toxic people I have ever met. The fact that he was placed in a position of leadership was an indictment of people’s judgment. He was disingenuous to his core; he was also manipulative and vindictive. He abused power. All of this is generally ignorable except the fact that I was the object of this abuse. He was behind one of the worst things in my adult life. With his death, the minute chance of apology was gone.
Any closure or forgiveness on my part was purely one-sided. I need this, too. I need to forgive Sam for his horrible behavior. I need to move on. It is a work in progress. Sam’s death was a genuine tragedy. In addition to the personal side of it, Sam never had a chance to be a better person. He never could heal from whatever demons drove him to such monstrous behavior. I can give myself some closure in that he was a victim of an environment that created his dysfunction, and a system that rewarded him for it. He hurt me badly and likely didn’t care at all. He didn’t care about the well-being of others in his charge. He acted with cowardice and dishonestly toward me. This is a sad way for someone to live. I can learn from this and work toward being a better human from the lesson.
I can also take this lack of closure forward to putting Jim’s life in perspective and how he impacted my life.
“Closure is just as delusive-it is the false hope that we can deaden our living grief.” ― Stephen Grosz
Jim was a great influence on my life. He was a good man, and I am richer for knowing him. I have worked with many great and wonderful people during my career, but Jim stands out. We had a great bond of friendship and shared numerous battles and adventures in an exciting time. For this reason, the way Jim deserted me hurt especially deeply. Anyone who knew us would have assumed Jim would stay in touch with me. His abandonment of me and all things American was painful. It is worth some deeper consideration. Perhaps, for Jim, it was simply too painful to continue engaging with all of us.
I met Jim in 1996 as we joined the hydrodynamics group in X-Division. The burgeoning ASCI program was injecting life into a weapon’s program that had been in freefall since the end of the Cold War. Our group leader, Len, had the wisdom to introduce Jim and I, seeing we might work well together. It was a stroke of genius by Len. Jim and I shared basic ethics and goals in work but also complimented each other almost perfectly. I was creative and free-thinking but lacked attention to detail at times. Jim was more confined in thinking but had meticulous attention to detail. We helped each other with our differing strengths coupled with a common vision. Together we began to sketch out a collaboration that would stretch into the next 20 years. A fast friendship made the work even better.
I had a crisis that left me with a better workplace balance. Gone was my sense of imposter syndrome, replaced with confidence. I was now imbued with the sort of scientific superiority and spirit that made Los Alamos special. Both of us inserted ourselves into the sense of possibility that ASCI gave us. We had freedom and could explore modeling nuclear weapons with computers. Together, we understood that scientific credibility in the simulations relied upon evidence. That evidence was found in verification and validation. Verification is the proof that a simulation is mathematically correct. Validation is evidence that the simulation models something close to objective physical reality.
Jim was blessed with mathematical skill and precision. He also had attention to detail that powered him to a PhD from Caltech. My pedestrian education from the University of New Mexico felt like an anchor. I graduated with a doctorate from Los Alamos. It was far greater and broader than any university could have given me. I had creativity and big ideas with an ability to dream big. Together, we were far better than either of us could be, separately. Jim was also generous and connected well with people. Both of us grew as scientists and our statures grew. We were a great team.
We were a dynamic duo with an eager energy. Ideas would bounce from each other. Throughout our time working together, the friendship grew. We also pushed each other to new heights. We hosted the first TriLab V&V workshop, and Jim’s ideas gave my own extra bite and swag. He came up with the idea of the seven deadly sins slide with the imagery of Hieronymus Bosch to spice it up. We crafted proposals together to work on the most difficult validation problems—images of turbulent chaotic flows central to our mission. Together, we joined the trips to Russia in scientific diplomacy that were part of the hope for lasting peace after the Cold War.
These trips to Russia opened a new level of connection. Jim took the hardest part of the travel and built a level of trust with the Russians. His encouragement brought me along for trips there. I went on seven international trips for this program. Two of these trips were to Vienna for a conference we hosted that included the Russians. One trip was to Ekaterinburg, 12 time zones away in January. Temperatures were as cold as –10°F. The other four trips were to Moscow, and then a train ride to Sarov. Sarov is the place where the Soviet nuclear program was born.
These trips were long and intense. It was the hardest travel I’ve ever done. Jim was a consummate traveler, always ready for every problem. On one particularly difficult trip, we ended up with nicknames. Jim’s was “Candyman”, because of his perpetual supply of homeopathic remedies. He was like a little pharmacy away from home. I remember needing stool softeners halfway into a trip and Jim having them at the ready. My nickname was “Gutterball”, characterizing my own tendency to see the dirty in everything. I could propel any conversation into the gutter in short order.
I remember one of the funniest things Jim ever said. It was 2005 and we were walking past the new NSSB building at LANL. I asked, “When will it be completed?” being completely serious for once.
Jim replied in a completely deadpan way, “When the flaming eye of Sauron is placed on top of it!”
We erupted in gut-wrenching laughter. It also tells you how Jim felt about the new Los Alamos management. This was also a harbinger of disappointments to come.
Right before I left Los Alamos, I was a manager. Jim was one of my employees. Jim was a model employee, being the best in a group full of stars. I can’t think of someone easier to manage. When I left Los Alamos in 2007, Jim followed me to Sandia shortly thereafter. The changes in Los Alamos didn’t sit well with him either.
In retrospect, I think Jim’s movement to Sandia was a twofold break from his past. On the one hand, he was searching for work that felt good. Los Alamos’ decline was stark and heartbreaking. I was providing a naive sunny-side-up view of Sandia. I suspect he never forgave me for that. Jim’s time at Sandia was unhappy. He saw it far clearer than I did. I worry that he blamed me for it and the lack of disclosure of Sandia’s faults and shortcomings. We continued to work together at Sandia, doing some great work. Nothing we did at Sandia could hit the heights Los Alamos gave us.
“To say goodbye is to die a little.” ― Raymond Chandler
With time, Sandia wore out its welcome with Jim. He still lived near Santa Fe with his wife Celine. Celine was French and a nurse. It was clear that Jim’s plan upon retirement was to live in France with its public single-provider health care. France also had a better lifestyle and attitudes than America’s nasty dog-eat-dog culture. Gradually—and then suddenly—Sandia became harder for Jim to integrate his life with. Jim left Sandia and went back to Los Alamos. He and I stayed in touch, but a space had opened. Los Alamos had also declined and was disappointing. The United States felt increasingly foreign too. In August 2016, Jim left the United States without any notice, or information about where he was. I never saw him again.
“How lucky I am to have known somebody and something that saying goodbye to is so damned awful.” ― Evans G. Valens
I will never know the answers. I can just look at the evidence. Jim had lost faith in Los Alamos, Sandia, and the United States. I was seemingly included in his condemnations, or not. It was and remains heartbreaking to me. Jim was as close to a brother as I had at work. We fostered a deep friendship of immense value to me. I won’t ever lose that. I am eternally grateful for knowing him and having him as a friend. I hope Jim felt the same way. I simply don’t know the answers.
It tells me that I need to work on forgiveness and connection. I want to feel the love and gratitude for Jim. I hope others feel the same for me when the time comes.
“Time doesn’t heal all wounds, only distance can lessen the sting of them.” ― Shannon Alder
As I started to write and research this piece one thing is clear; I am not alone in seeing this. There seems to be a wide recognition that assholes are having a moment. We have the obvious example of the asshole-in-chief, Donald Trump. For him being an asshole is a badge of distinction and earns him a cult like following. The fact that our seemingly likely next President is a complete asshole is troubling. It probably should be a red flag for the Nation. We are in deep danger. Perhaps we should understand why?
A couple instances come to mind that crystalized this issue in my mind. The first happened in an odd location. I was on vacation in Cancun at an all inclusive resort. We were eating lunch and a guy came in with a t-shirt saying “Assholes Live Forever”. He was definitely projecting right wing coded energy. The thing that made the t-shirt notable was a general intent at the resort to be attractive to the opposite sex. This asshole thought being an asshole was attractive to women. Now in my experience women try to avoid assholes like the plague. Assholes are terrrible lovers, terrible about consent and terrible to people. They are dangerous.Apparently being an asshole is attractive to right wing ladies? What the fuck?
“I will canoodle with a dumb man, but I won’t snuggle with an asshole.” ― Rachel Howzell Hall
More recently I was chatting with a good friend at a conference. My friend had just led a fantastic session-discussion of the nature of masculinity in today’s world. The session touched on a wide range of issues including a full spectrum of intersectionality. A common thread is that I had met this friend on a previous trip to Cancun.. We are seemingly quite different, but immediately vibed and connected personally. He’s black, gay, Brooklynite, and works in music while I’m a white straight scientist from the Western USA. The topic of assholes came up within intersectionality. My point was that we need to recognize assholes. Assholes are present in all identities black, white, male, female, non-binary or trans. Gay, lesbian or bisexual people can be assholes too. Assholes need to be called out and identified as being toxic to whatever spaces they occupy.
A great deal of discussion around masculinity focused on the standard view. This is the “alpha” male who defines masculinity through power, aggression, and lack of emotion. No compassion or empathy is allowed. That would show weakness. Never apologize for being wrong because that is weakness. This is a great recipe for being an asshole. The discussion at the conference talked about vulnerability, openness, empathy and compassion. All of these ideas are strongly coded with political valence. In other words, assholes are accepted and promoted on the right. Assholes exist on the left, but are generally reviled (they exist specifically associated with social causes).
Assholes seem to be a defining feature of the right wing. As noted the leading figure on the right, Trump is just a pure asshole. He is a piece of shit of a man and proud of it. His supporters adore him for it. Every bit of that alpha male attitude is projected (although he’s not very alpha). No empathy or compassion, and definitely never apologize because you’re never wrong. I’ve seen how right wing ladies are looking for an asshole to date or fuck. They see being an asshole as being tantamount to being a man’s man. They like men who are bigots and hateful because that is strength. Men who bring out that kind of middle school locker room energy toward anything feminine or non traditional. Any space for LBGTQ is simply unacceptable. The right wing governance is full of assholes and they are rewarded for it.
“The problem with the world today is that there are too many assholes and not enough saints.” ― R.M. Engelhardt
Why do they like assholes? I think this is an essential issue to answer. Part of this is the general issue of masculinity today. The cultural reckoning around men (#MeToo) has resulted in a reaction on the right. There is little doubt that men are having trouble today and especially young men. The answer on the right is traditional roles. Traditional masculinity does not work any more. The right’s reaction is to double down on the status quo. Much like the BLM movement produced a reaction on the right.
What we get is performative masculinity that most commonly creates the asshole vibe. Trump is a perfect example. He is hardly masculine or manly. His toupee and makeup alone challenge this view. He isn’t really athletic. He lies about his physique, height and weight. He likely lies about his health and intellect. Golf is barely a sport, being more of an activity for businessmen and white guys. Even there he is an asshole with compulsive lying and cheating at golf. Yet his supporters love him because he is such a massive asshole. One might think all this lying and cheating would undermine the performative masculinity. Instead the desire for “owning the libs” gets them to look the other way. It is quite pathetic, but effective.
I believe a big part of the appeal of the asshole is authenticity. Trump is an authentic asshole. Being an asshole is Trump’s true and natural self. This is appealing to many people and a sign of huge problems. He is not authentic as a leader. The leader part of Trump is pure performance. The problem is that almost all the other leadership is performative too. So without leadership we are left with assholery as the alternative. This does not work for a good future for anyone. The lack of genuine authentic leadership is a future topic. A punchline of that condition is assholery as the alternative.
What makes someone an asshole? I got a pretty good answer from Google’s LLM Gemini (describes Donald Trump accurately!).
Asshole behavior can come in many flavors, but some common traits include:
Disrespectful: This is a big one. Assholes put themselves above others and don’t consider other people’s feelings or needs. They might interrupt constantly, talk down to people, or make rude jokes at someone’s expense.
Selfish: Assholes are all about themselves. They take more than their fair share, don’t reciprocate favors, and only care about what benefits them.
Unaccountable: They never take responsibility for their mistakes and are always quick to blame others.
Aggressive: They might be verbally or even physically aggressive, but they also might use aggression in a more subtle way, like constantly putting others down.
Unreliable: You can’t count on them to follow through on commitments or be there for you when you need them.
Here are some other behaviors that can be signs of an asshole:
Cheating
Lying constantly
Being condescending or arrogant
Not listening to others
Taking advantage of people
Publicly criticizing or humiliating others
It’s important to remember that context matters. Sometimes people might act in a way that seems like an asshole behavior,but there could be a good explanation. But if these behaviors are a pattern, then it’s a good sign you’re dealing with an asshole. Virtually all of us have been assholes at some time or another. A question is whether you can stop being an asshole or regret it. At the core is a general lack of empathy or compassion for others. Often this comes at using one’s power to abuse or take advantage of others without a feeling of conscience.
As I noted above the left has assholes. Most of them exist in the general area of “cancel culture”. The whole aspect of cancelling people is an absolute gift for the right. Time and time again the right weaponizes the left’s overreach to terrifying effect. The social movements driving the attacks are ultimately undone. This is a common thread today where many social movements are being attacked. Women, blacks and LBGTQ are all under attack. Rights and equality is being lost, not gained.
“Ninety percent of all problems are caused by people being assholes.” “What causes the other ten percent?” asked Kizzy. “Natural disasters,” said Nib.”
― Becky Chambers
A good example of assholery is found in the space of pronouns. The right is full of performative assholery around pronoun use. Not using someone’s chosen name after it is requested is awful. Its like someone says “please call me Bill” and the asshole will keep saying “Billy”. It is the definition of being an asshole. On the other hand, it can be difficult if the pronoun isn’t typical or obvious. Yet people on the left can be unforgiving about these difficulties. The question is whether someone is trying to honor the request. If someone is trying to honor it, but having difficulty, give them grace. Lashing out makes you the asshole if the desire to comply is earnest.
Am I the Asshole? This is an increasingly popular place on Reddit. The positive aspect is that the thread actually asks the question with the implied message that being an asshole is bad. Simply asking the question already makes you likely not an asshole. Real assholes just do their thing without caring. A real asshole is proud of how they act. They treat people with disregard and do awful things without the slightest bit of regard for others. Assholes are careless in the truest sense of the word; they do not care about their acts. They simply act as they want and usually thinking only of themselves. An asshole looks decisive and powerful. In reality they are simply thoughtless and self-centered.
A piece of the dynamic is the internet and its defining attention culture. Attention is sought by any means available. Authenticity is seemingly going extinct today. Everything is image. Meta is ground zero for this. Instagram and Facebook drive the society to influencer’s being the apex of endeavor. The influencer is all about projecting quality through appearance rather than through substance. Substance is about fundamentals. Fundamentals often are invisible and subtle.
“Why do shitty people always brag about being good at trolling? Troll is just another word for asshole. What kind of antisocial sociopath is proud of being an asshole?”
― Oliver Markus Malloy
Authenticity is about fundamentals. It is reality. Nothing about today’s world favors these things. Thus fundamentals are lost. They are not a priority. They are not sexy or photogenic. We don’t really know this, but we hunger for authenticity. Online we get trolls who are assholes by definition. Elon Musk now occupies a role mostly as an online troll and ally of assholes. The end result is a hollowing out of all things. Assholes get attention and clicks without adding any substance. Assholes seem like reality and substance. It is the path to destruction.
Next week, I need to address to complete lack of leadership in the United States at any level.
This is just the start of this endeavor. Part of the reason is to provide a platform for my opinions that aren’t fit for work, the second part is to practice writing, and the third is to try this form of media. Next time I’ll introduce myself in more detail, then get to some real content.
What does “the regularized singularity” mean?
Compressible fluid flows forms shock waves naturally. Mathematically these are singular, meaning they represent a discontinuous change in the fluid. In the real world, viscosity and heat conduction being diffusion processes actually make a shock wave continuous and help enforce the second law of thermodynamics (produce entropy). Numerically, we often to the same thing as a way of computing the discontinuous solution on a computational grid. This is a regularized singularity. This is the beginning of fun and games.
The Regularized Singularity 